Summer of Love

Tonight, around 7pm, I was sitting on my computer chair staring out the window at nothing in particular. I had a white backdrop on the clothes line, and I vacantly watched it twirling around in the sun. 

This summer project has been really good for me. On most days, I can take stock of the bad and replace it with a whole bunch of good. Yesterday I couldn't. I couldn't cope with Ivy pooing in her pants one more moment. I couldn't cope with the messy house. The washing. Putting the grocery shopping away. The children under my feet. I wanted to escape.

While I was out and about doing a bit of shopping I bought myself a new CD. It's been a long time since I bought a CD without listening to it first, but this particular group I'd heard of 3 years ago (actually I read about them for the first time in Rolling Stone magazine May 2008, just after giving birth to Ivy) and yesterday someone posted a link on Facebook that reminded me of them. So I went and bought their CD, without hearing it, without knowing what it sounded like, but knowing for certain that I would love it.

And I did.

I listened to it in the car on the way home, and was singing away fairly quickly. Then I put it away when I got home and forgot about it while I did my usual thing at home. And then things started getting on top of me again, and by the time Matt got home from work I was seriously ready to admit myself into some kind of home for the mentally unstable. And he saw my CD, and asked me to put it on. Then we ate dinner outside in the amazing night air (the mozzies feasted too) while listening to the gorgeous sounds of Zooey singing her little heart out. And  it made everything ok again.

Anyone who has sisters know what kind of special bond you have with them. You can get angry, and then laugh joyously. You can cry together. You support each other. As you grow up, the sisters you fought with tooth and nail as a teenager (yes, we did) become your very best friends and allies in all the world. They would do anything for you, any time. And you know it.

I'm lucky to have 2 sisters. And while we are different and similar at the same time, we each know for a fact that there is not a thing on this planet that can keep us apart. As much as we annoy the crap out of each other, that fierce and unrivalled love and loyalty towards each other will never, ever be broken.

My family are the centre of my universe. My sisters are like my sun, always guiding me in the right direction. I bounce ideas off them on a regular basis. I share everything with them. They are my best friends. I feel so lucky that Mum and Dad had some kind of weird girl gene thing happening. And as much as I wanted a little brother when I was growing up, there is not a damn thing in the world that make me trade any part of the family I have.

After Emma spent the night here on Monday night, both her and Elliot went home to her house for a sleepover on Tuesday. Which meant that when her mum and dad and brother came to pick them up and have dinner it was a rather lively and chaotic affair. I always start to feel a bit claustrophobic and panicky when our house is full of people, because it's quite a small living area and also quite closed off. Add to that 4 kids pulling out every toy in the house, then yes, the jitters start to set in. Where Emma is quiet and studious, her little brother is a destructro-bot, a loud bundle of energy and laughs. At one point it all got a bit too much for Ivy too, and she started throwing a tanty about something (not unusual) and pulled her standard cranky face at us. When all the other kids joined in, it was too good a photographic opportunity to pass up. So even though the photo is crap, using onboard flash etc, it's pretty much a perfect moment to me.
And that, right there, is Ivy's ANGRY FACE.

School holidays usually heralds some kind of catch up/sleepover with Elliot and Ivy's big cousin Emma. Emma is a big school girl, so often the activities that the kids engage in are a bit more grown up than what they are used to, and almost always involve "a Show" at some point. Rigorous planning goes into every detail: making tickets to sell, setting up a shop to sell flags and badges, as well as the cafe where you can buy food for the show. The one thing that is almost always unplanned is the show itself. Which means that by 7:50pm when the show went LIVE, they just ran around like goons.

One of the other games that Emma quite likes is playing school. I remember doing that as a kid too, and I wonder if it's a girl thing? Anyway, Elliot quite enjoyed it too, he was the PE teacher, teaching the kids how to kick goals ;-) and then marking them off on his sheet. Suits me down to the ground when they play schools, as it usually means they are quiet.

So, I guess I should have known that $5 shoes, that have a wooden heel, and are basically a plastic upper, would be like death to feet. Probably. Any normal human would know that, right. But sheer vanity and photographic willpower made me wear them on Sunday and I traipsed from one end of Melbourne to the other and back again in them, all in the name of awesome photos. (I just googled it, it's a 5km round trip.)

So the reason I did this insane amount of walking in ridiculously cheap and uncomfortable shoes? Some time ago, this awesome chick and I used to do some 2nd shooting for another photog. Hannah has her own photography business and resides in Sydney, so since we stopped working together on a semi-regular basis we don't get to see each other anymore. So when she came down for a little visit and asked if I could take some new profile photos for her I was thrilled and jumped at the chance. And then she offered to reciprocate, and I was thrilled and I jumped at the chance lol.

We each had our own ideas of what we wanted, and we worked really well together to find locations, get the shot, and find some time for gasbagging and a catch up as well. All in all I certainly had a most fab day.

So even though my feet felt like worn down stumps by 7pm when we called it a day, it was worth every single second, to hang out with this gorgeous lady, and photograph her and be photographed by her.

My hubs does a lot of things that drive me crazy. Like cleaning the toilet when we need to go out somewhere and we're running late. Like folding the towels in a way that makes them not fit in the cupboard. Like getting angry at inanimate objects. Like vacuuming at 10pm. Like not knowing how to buy things online or pay a bill. And he doesn't call his family enough.

But who's husbo doesn't do things that drive their wives crazy??

I don't complain too much or too loudly, because for the most part he's a pretty awesome dude. He's a loving and attentive dad. He's tidy and clean. He's a doer and if he can't do something he'll try (except for paying bills online). He cleans my house better than I can. We have a cleaning arrangement... he does the vacuuming and bathrooms and I do the cooking and the washing. But it's more than just "my jobs and your jobs", he picks up my slack OFTEN.

And he mows the lawns when I promised 8.5 years ago that I would. And that is the blessing of today. Because there is no way on earth I'd be wanting to push the mower around in the heat up and down the hills. Not a chance.

Thanks pish. Love ya a million x

With the insane amount of wet weather this whole country has had, it goes without saying that I'm getting a bit of cabin fever. The kids are happy just veging out in front of the telly, and for the most part I'm happy for them to do that too. But yesterday enough was enough. The BOM radar said the state was covered with rain, it looked set in for the whole day, so I bundled the kids up and we went shopping. Big deal you say? Yes, it most certainly is a big deal for me. Elliot hates shopping. And Ivy is toilet training... Big. Deal. We had lunch and a general wander around at Norfies for a few hours... And when we left the shops to go home the sun was shining. And that made me happy.

Crappy phone photo today. But I think you'll agree it's still pretty special ;-)
(At Typo. One of Mummy's favourite shops. And apparently now Elliot's because he can use all the textas and pens!)

We're on a toilet training mission. After a couple of pretend attempts and sometimes wearing undies and sometimes not, I decided that this week was as good as any to attempt the inevitable for real. So Monday was "the day" and we had a pretty average day. Most misses, and I think one hit. Then I went to work and Matt took over the shift... Ivy christened him with a poo from one end of the house to the other. And I was stuck at work and couldn't help, more's the pity.

But day 2 was very good, just one miss, including being out for dinner, so that was super.

Day 3 and she's nailed it, for sure. No mishaps at all, as well as a poo! My little superhero. We're up to day 4 now and I feel like I can relax a bit, and not have to count what she's up to. She's quite amazing really. And I'm so so proud of her.

So everytime she needs to go to the "tor-wet" we have a superhero run up the hallway all the way to the loo where she proudly exclaims that she can do it herself, wiggles onto the seat, does a wee and we cheer like mad things. Then she gets a star sticker.

She's my champion. She's so clever. And I love her squishy nappy-free bum.

Sometimes it's easy to forget that the little things beneath our feet and in our plants are living, breathing, feeling creatures. As a vegetarian, I do try to be mindful for my impact on the animal world. I'd rather shoo a fly out the door, or catch a spider and release it, and use humane traps for mice so I can release those too (except for mosquitoes, they can die). I try hard. In this weather we've had a lot of snails on our front path, and when I walk on the path at night, in the dark, sometimes my big ugly feet are just not able to avoid them. I try as I hard as I can to miss them, but sometimes I just don't. And I always feel terrible afterwards.

Yesterday for my birthday, I was given some extension tubes to turn my normal lenses into macro lenses. I don't do a heap of macro photography, but sometimes I do get the urge to do a close-up of something, and it frustrates me no end that the lenses I have are completely incapable of capturing those images. So the extension tubes are a relatively inexpensive way for me to get my fix. Today I thought I would test out my new toys on some little snails. When I first went outside there wasn't one to be found, which is ODD because they are everywhere at the moment, and then eventually I saw one meandering down the path.

I didn't know snails were see-through-ish. Or had eyeballs on the end of their antennae things. Their shells are very intricate. They are actually kind of cute, in a slimy way. They're alive. And the only hardship they bring to us humans is to nibble on our plants. So we squash them, or poison them. How sad.

Take a vow, that tomorrow you won't harm a living creature. You won't kill the fly. Or the spider. Maybe you'll have a vegetarian day? Don't squash the snail. Be kind to yourself and your planet.

Yeah, the photo-a-day in January always includes a post about my birthday. Can't help it. But yes, yesterday was indeed my birthday, 11/1/11. Which is a truly awesome date, it has to be said. BUT, my niece gets an even better birthday date this year, 11/11/11. Yay to us!!

I was spoilt. And I loved it. We went out for dinner with a few friends and family. And I loved it. We ate Thai food until we almost exploded, and then forced down cheesecake for dessert. And I LOVED it. It was an ace birthday.

Thanks everyone for the wishes and love. It means more to know you were thinking of me yesterday than you'll probably ever know. I took your energy and flew high on it yesterday, and felt every loving thought. And I loved that too.

xox

So, 10 days in to my photo-a-day and I actually kinda forgot to take one. But that's ok. It's not a drama. We'll just roll with it.

I had a young chap at work say a profound and resonating thing to me, and I'm sure he didn't even realise how special his words were.

He finished work at 10pm and said he needed to catch a bus home. I asked him what time the bus was, and he said he wasn't sure, so I suggested maybe taking off a few mins early as it was quiet. And he said to me "it doesn't matter if I miss the bus. There'll always be another one."

In our rush rush lives, where we are always on a schedule and have routines and to-do lists and appointments, do we ever really slow down? Take the long way home for a change. Take the 2nd bus so you can just sit still at the bus stop for an extra few minutes. Catch your breath. Watch the world pass you by, just for a moment. There'll always be another bus.

Elliot is OBSESSED with football. Those of you who know him can well and truly testify to his obsessiveness. He is a tragic Collingwood supporter and is perpetually running out of black textas due to his Collingwood pictures (that never seem to end). Because of that I ordered 24 black ONLY textas for him from the States (via Brooke's mom, yay!) which makes him, and me, happy.

However, because he is so obsessed, he insisted that we go home from the beach past Kardinia Park/Skilled Stadium in Geelong. We left the beach late, everyone was tired and hungry but we went to KP anyway. And Mummy (who is a Geelong supporter, but hasn't been to KP for over a decade) got an awesome surprise when we discovered the new(ish) Premiership Stand and it's display of premiership cups that are viewable from the OUTSIDE!! Yay!!!!!!!!!! I made Elliot pose with me, but he just looked frightened of Mummy's excitedness, so you can just have photos of me instead.
(Actually I think Ivy looks kinda scared too.)

You know how when you have kids/dogs/bikes/responsibilities and you go away somewhere it always seems really hard work? For us, even a day trip involves a packed car.

Today was a good day. The postie brought me a parcel. And that made me squeak with joy. It was my sweet sweet new camera bag, a partial Christmas/birthday present from my Mumma and my sis (and also myself lol). I've been using my other one that I love and will still use for almost 2 years... it was handmade for me by Tanya Tindale and I think it's wonderful and she's so clever, but my gear just didn't fit anymore. Which is kinda a good thing because it means I have more gear ;-)

So anyway, my new (not so) little baby is a gorgeous Kelly Moore bag and it's a freaking tardis and I LOVE IT x a gazillion. It's huge. There's enough room for lots and lots of gear. And I love it. Oh yeah, I said that already.

So after I squeaked and squawked about my new bag to the postie (didn't get it), my kids (didn't care), my husbo (wondered if I was strong enough to carry it) I kinda realised that as a work-from-home-parent I don't have colleagues to bounce things off to. So I squawked to facebook.... And all my photographer friends DID get it (as well as my sisters - they always get me).
(I really must post a photo that shows it's actual size - another day. It's way huger than it looks.)

Today's blessing has absolutely nothing to do with a camera bag or facebook or posties or even my kids. Just a little something to remind you that (almost) every cloud has that elusive silver lining....

Chemotherapy sucks. Badly.
But on the plus side you don't have to shave your legs for months at a time. Or other parts I'm assuming, I didn't ask.

Edit> I've just been reminded that also mosquitoes don't like chemo blood. Win! Especially when you go camping on the Murray during peak flood water and there are a million of them around. (Thanks Brooke!)

 

Today is my little Luna cat's 1st birthday. Not the day we got her, as she was 10 weeks old then, but her actual birthday. She was born in my friend Kim's cupboard of her spare room. Heavily pregnant teen Mumma Puss was caught in a trap (I think) and then brought to Kim's vet clinic where she works as a vet nurse. Mumma Puss had a lot of babies, and I can't remember all their names, only that Kim named them all after food lol. I'll see if I can press my memory here: Pepper, Custard, Gummi Bear, Wasabi, Chilli (and now I'm cheating because Kim reminded me of a couple more today), Koji, Zappo,,,, and one more I can't remember!!! Anyhoo, we adopted Pepper, the gorgeous shy little grey darling and renamed her Luna, for 3 reasons: 1) Luna was the name of the Smashing Pumpkins song we danced to at our wedding, 2) she was the colour of the moon, 3) Luna Lovegood is awesome! So little Luna came home with me and the kids in March much to Matt's chagrin. He pretends he doesn't like her because he doesn't like cats, but every now and then I see him smirk at something funny she did.

So we had a wee little party for her today. The kids made her a party hat which she LOVED (not) and we sang happy birthday and she ate some kitty treats while we feasted on 100s and 1000s bikkies, lolly bananas and chocolate. I tried to take some photos, but you know what, it's kinda hard to take photos of a cat in a darkish room who is trying to destroy her party hat.
(Yes, she's angry at me.)

So for today's blessing. It comes in the form of Kim and her wonderful workmates at the Hamilton St Vet Clinic in Gisborne. But mostly just Kim ;-) Today she thanked me for giving Luna a forever home, and that people like *me* are special for adopting our much loved pets. This is a direct quote from her on my facebook today:

The biggest reward is having them placed in such amazing lifetime homes like yours! I've placed 52 in the last 12 months best year I've had - it's a pleasure to have such sad beginnings turn into such lovely happy endings! It wouldnt happen without Families like you!! So from Luna and all the other "street kids" the thanks comes from us!! Xxxx

And she thanked me?

I just about choked on my cuppa. This gorgeous and generous and wonderful soul saves animals because she wants to. Because it breaks her heart into a zillion pieces to see them harmed and unwanted. Because she can't understand that anyone would want to treat another living creature in that way. She has a houseful of animals of her own (cats, dogs, horses) yet she still finds room in her heart and in her home to take in strays and work tirelessly to find them new forever homes. How can she possibly thank *me* for re-homing just one??

She is a true blessing, and the epitome of what it is to be human. So from Luna, and our entire family, and all the gorgeous little darlings you've loved and treasured this year, we give the biggest thanks to you Kim.

Sometimes it really pays to know your limits. And when you know them, then respect them. In my case it pays to know my children's limits because their limits are consequential to mine.

I dragged my kids out to Heide today, a place none of us have been to before. I know many photographer friends love the surrounding gardens, but I had no expectations. I invited myself to tag along with my little sister and Mum and Dad for lunch and then maybe, maybe, take a stroll through the exhibition. I'm a bit of an art bogan... but I like to think I'm fairly open minded when it comes to art, especially because my sister is an artist and I dabble in the odd photography ;-)

When the first thing you see as you walk in the door is something that looks like handwriting by a 6 year old, and your almost 6yo asks what kid wrote it, I should have known what to expect...

I'm bored.

I'm hungry.

I'm tired.

Why can't I touch anything?

This is boring.

When are we going home?

So I took the kids outside for a wander. We didn't go far, just outside the door really. But the kids had a run. I lay on the grass looking through the canopy. Ivy also lay down next to me, and for a moment everything was still and happy. And then she was all: shoes off, shoes on, hat off, hat on, my feet hurt, my tummy's sore, I'm not sleepy anymore, I want to go that way, Mummy you come too................ ETC ETC.

Then I hit my limit. I was over it. I said that's it, we're going home. But we'll just go back inside to say goodbye to Nanna and GD and Aunty Jenna first. On the way back inside Ivy took her shoes and hat off again, and ran away. And then after we said goodbye and we walking back to the car I discovered that there actually was some nice looking garden with more sculptures. Just 5 more mins I said to the kids. We'll go and check out the tin cows. It was further than it looked from the path. When we got there the kids wanted to turn straight back around and go back to the car. Elliot's drink bottle was empty. And there was a hill between us and the path leading back to the car. Halfway up the hill Ivy sat down and wouldn't get up. And then took her shoes off. Again.

Today's story is not so much of a blessing, but a reminder. Sometimes it really pays to be a bogan parent and not try to instil any culture in your kids whatsoever. At 5 and 2 years of age, they don't get it or respect it.

And the moral of the story - know your limits! Gah!!!!

Today and tomorrow marks a couple of days of mourning for me. I don't make a fuss anymore. I just light my candle and go about my day. But 4 years ago today we found out during our 13 week ultrasound that we had lost our much loved and wanted baby. It was the very worst day of my life and marked the beginning of a very dark and very sad period of my life. I won't go into too much detail about that day 4 years ago, as it hurts a lot to drag up the memories. But the months that followed were very tough. We suffered another (earlier) miscarriage and we very nearly lost another baby. But we didn't lose that one, and that pregnancy went without a hitch to bless us with our darling Ivy.

Her pregnancy was blissfully uneventful after the 8 week mark when we thought we'd lost her. I was happy as a clam. I found out I was having a daughter and wept tears of such pure joy that I thought I might just burst. It was like a complete yin and yang. I felt so terribly guilty for being happy to have her growing away in my belly when my other "daughter" did not (we don't know the lost baby's gender, but I always refer to her as a girl). When she was born healthy I felt a massive wave of relief and gratitude. Without the losses we'd suffered she would not be with us.

But during the 2.5 years that followed I sunk into a deep depression. One that was all encompassing of many of the hurts I'd suffered, including our miscarriage. I forgot to love my kids, but especially Ivy. She was a somewhat difficult baby, a bad sleeper and a loud cryer. I forgot that I fought so hard to have her. Forgot that she WAS my blessing.

Ivy is the reason and the blessing. Sometimes I just need a reminder. Today is a reminder.

I have a friend called Layla who I have known for 15 years. She is a wonderful and special soul and an amazing friend. We've been through a lot together. And I'm so grateful to the universe for bringing us together.

We met on our first day of living on campus at uni together. She was living at Deakin College, I was in Barton College. The local pub was "The Ponds". Somehow (the details are shady) on the first night after having been to the pub we stumbled upon one another and we were both wearing connies (Chuck Taylors) and decided that if 2 chicks wearing connies from different walks of life randomly run into each other on campus then we are destined to be friends. And that we were. We became such fast friends it made my head spin. And not only did we hang out at uni but Layla came home to Melbourne with me many weekends and became part of my family. That year we grew up together. There was so much laughter and tears and drunken debauchery. Gherkins and steak Diannes. S-bends and M-bends. Slurries. Tennessee Mist. If it was something ridiculous, I guarantee that Layla and I did it. I just can't put into words how much our friendship changed me and helped shape my life. We only went the Deakin Waurn Ponds together for one year, but it feels like so much longer. But after that one year it didn't matter where either of us lived or what we did. We were still as bonded as glue and paper. Forever.

So fast forward several years later and Layla meets and marries a handsome German fellow living in Melbourne. They decide to live in Germany for a few years after getting married before settling down in Melbourne to start a family. This summer Layla and Mario came back for Christmas and New Years for a short visit and also said that they were looking for a house to buy for when they came home for good in around September 2011. They are looking for said house in a neighbourhood not far from me, which means that when they come home we can have out of date cake together every single day if we want to!

I drove Layla and Mario out to the airport today for their long long flight back to Germany. As I type this at 3:25pm, their plane is just about to take off. I fought back tears as I unloaded their bags and said my goodbyes again. And you know what today's blessing is?? In 9 short months Layla will be living here. In Melbourne. Just around the corner from me. So while I've missed her dreadfully over the last 2 years and will continue to miss her while Germany claims her for the next 9 months, after that she's home. And I won't need to miss her anymore.

Happy happy new year to one and all. 2011 is going to be a bloody marvellous year. I have lots of living and loving to do. I plan on feeling well and being well. I will be a better mother. And I will be a better wife. Amongst all the goodness that 2011 promises for me personally I also have 3 dear friends getting married (two of which I am a grooms-woman for, yeehar!) which is just so exciting I can hardly wait - thankfully they're in the first half of the year otherwise I'd just about explode.


But first, a new project! The Summer of Love project continues throughout January with an added bonus - my annual photo-a-day challenge. I plan to take a photo every single day for the month of January and post a lil story to go with it, and continuing on with my loved up feeling my theme this year is Small Blessings. I plan to find the silver lining in every cloud. Whenever things looks bleak or I find my mood wavering I'm going to find a blessing to help me shake it. I can't wait to share it with you.


So here we go:
Today I worked at Village and while I was silently dreading it, I had this weird moment as I headed up the steps to work thinking that by working here I can help pay off my home loan quicker. It can help for us to afford small luxuries. I felt grateful for having a small casual job. I was working 7 hours today and boy was I grateful for the double pay! When they sent me home a couple of hours early I was a bit annoyed but then driving home I realised that I could eat dinner with my kids and bath them and get them ready for bed. And then I found Wizard of Oz on the telly and watched some of it with Ivy (who was enraptured by it) and remembered that I couldn't have done this if I worked til 7. The double pay wasn't worth it.

NYE
Hot
Really hot
Kids paddled in their pool
Adults had some beverages

Fun
Happy New Year!