Monday, January 3, 2011
day thirty-four
Today and tomorrow marks a couple of days of mourning for me. I don't make a fuss anymore. I just light my candle and go about my day. But 4 years ago today we found out during our 13 week ultrasound that we had lost our much loved and wanted baby. It was the very worst day of my life and marked the beginning of a very dark and very sad period of my life. I won't go into too much detail about that day 4 years ago, as it hurts a lot to drag up the memories. But the months that followed were very tough. We suffered another (earlier) miscarriage and we very nearly lost another baby. But we didn't lose that one, and that pregnancy went without a hitch to bless us with our darling Ivy.
Her pregnancy was blissfully uneventful after the 8 week mark when we thought we'd lost her. I was happy as a clam. I found out I was having a daughter and wept tears of such pure joy that I thought I might just burst. It was like a complete yin and yang. I felt so terribly guilty for being happy to have her growing away in my belly when my other "daughter" did not (we don't know the lost baby's gender, but I always refer to her as a girl). When she was born healthy I felt a massive wave of relief and gratitude. Without the losses we'd suffered she would not be with us.
But during the 2.5 years that followed I sunk into a deep depression. One that was all encompassing of many of the hurts I'd suffered, including our miscarriage. I forgot to love my kids, but especially Ivy. She was a somewhat difficult baby, a bad sleeper and a loud cryer. I forgot that I fought so hard to have her. Forgot that she WAS my blessing.
Ivy is the reason and the blessing. Sometimes I just need a reminder. Today is a reminder.
Her pregnancy was blissfully uneventful after the 8 week mark when we thought we'd lost her. I was happy as a clam. I found out I was having a daughter and wept tears of such pure joy that I thought I might just burst. It was like a complete yin and yang. I felt so terribly guilty for being happy to have her growing away in my belly when my other "daughter" did not (we don't know the lost baby's gender, but I always refer to her as a girl). When she was born healthy I felt a massive wave of relief and gratitude. Without the losses we'd suffered she would not be with us.
But during the 2.5 years that followed I sunk into a deep depression. One that was all encompassing of many of the hurts I'd suffered, including our miscarriage. I forgot to love my kids, but especially Ivy. She was a somewhat difficult baby, a bad sleeper and a loud cryer. I forgot that I fought so hard to have her. Forgot that she WAS my blessing.
Ivy is the reason and the blessing. Sometimes I just need a reminder. Today is a reminder.
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6 comments:
:,-(
love you.
hugs.
Mandy...So sorry you experienced so much sadness. I'm so glad you were blessed with your precious Ivy. I'm sure she brings much hope and happiness.
Mandy,
I read this blog and feel so sad that the time has passed, I am sorry that my not wanting to intrude into your privacy left me not supporting you as I could have.
Rest assured the little soul that passed by you on her own journey is with you each and every day. Find a space in your heart, where she can rest and be nurtured by you, that when you think of her just by placing your hand on your heart will bring her near...she is with your grandmother and they often make scones together.
love to you, and love you
Bette
Oh, hon. I just cried a little reading this. I can so understand where you're coming from. It's 9 and a half years since we lost our baby at 16 weeks to encephalocele. Every year I think, "When will it stop hurting?" but I don't think it ever does. We do just carry on with our days, with our own small remembrance of what was lost.
Like your Ivy, Ebony would not be here today if I hadn't of lost our son. Also a difficult baby and child- many times it's easy to overlook what was lost to have these small firecrackers in our lives.
Hugs to you.
xxx
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